Suicide

I was told today that a very old and good friend of mine took his own life. He lay down on the railway tracks close to his home and waited. Two days previously his wife had given birth to a brand new baby and I guess he just could not take the implications of being a full time father and husband. This is only a guess and assumptions as we all know are the mother of all fuck ups.

I cried. I cried for my friend, his wife, his baby, my friends and all those who knew him. I also cried for my parents, and the loss of my children, my career, my friends, and then I picked up my guitar and played for about an hour or so.

Here I am writing about something that is terribly sad and the lessons that can be learnt from a life that was seemingly selfishly taken away. It seems that with death there is always life and this is the cycle that I as a man and a human being I must come to terms with. There is always the question of what if? My friend´s parents must be totally distraught wandering what it is they did to cause such pain in a young man who only had an amazing life to live for.

I have contemplated suicide myself and never had the courage to go through with it. I remember pacing up and down in my home in London after the mother of my children had left with everything inside the flat and the children. I had my brother on one mobile line and one of my best mates on another mobile line, coming down from a cocaine binge and topping myself up with alcohol just to get through the withdrawal. I kept crying and screaming that I was going to kill myself. I wanted the attention I wanted someone to save me, and there was no hope, the only answer came when I decided to face myself and take responsibility for the mess I found myself in.

This is no reflection on the death of my buddy, I just always find the positive in every action in life, and in death there is always life, and in life there is always choice. Lance Armstrong, in his autobiography states that he uses every moment to better himself, and now I can remember where it is I have come from and how much I have grown as a human being. I feel proud that I am cleaning toilets, writing music and performing covers to make money to send back to my children in Spain. I feel proud that I have not given up on who I am and what I intend to become.

I miss my friend, I love my friend. I will fly to the funeral to celebrate his life with the group of friends that I have in that part of the world. His life ended tragically, and I remember his life was also very beautiful. I now have a duty to live my life to its fullest and work towards making the most of every opportunity good and bad.