I can so easily slip into my addictive thinking and my life seems to roll out of control. Although I do not drink, I do not take drugs, I do suffer from sexual fantasies and excessive masturbation. I have just been through a dark period of solitude where I isolate and secure myself by keeping my own company. I believe that society deems masturbation as natural part of life and of course it is, however not for me, as with isolation and the internet comes unhealthy thinking. The internet steals my time and facebook drives my obsessive nature. I can spend hours and hours on the internet and every minute can be justified. I can meet friends, experience new lovers, break up, make up, create new worlds, be straight, be gay, be who the hell I want to and all with the click of a button. I am fixed. Transfixed by the power of the zone.
Dark times indeed. I find that I lose myself in other people´s relationships, aching to have an intimate relationship of my own. However it is so much easier to stay single not to risk the ultimate sacrifice of rejection. When I was in rehab I looked at my history and tracked down my inability to have grounded relationships directly to the relationship I had with my mother. I believe that my parents thought I was gay, I was relieved to be told that I am an addict. At last I can put a label on myself that fits. At last I have an identity. And of course there has been so much progress in my life. I can have friendships, not only with other males, I can have friendships with girls without wanting them to jump into bed with me. The key to life is healthy relationships.
And as I struggle through sobriety rocking between dry drunk and recovery, I find that I lose my identity from time to time. Do I really know who I am? Do I have the bollocks to stand up and be counted for who I am? Am I sure that many people really do not know who they are, or am I just projecting my own fear? At the moment I am a driver and maintenance man for a ski company and I play a little bit of music. I am in fact an addict. I don´t a girlfriend. I do have two children. I do feel pain. And I do feel love.
I am sitting in a bar called The Savoy in Argentiere. The snow is falling yet again outside the window and I have come this way to build a relationship with a drummer called Fredric. Fred also runs the bar with two partners, his girlfriend and his girlfriend´s cousin who is called Leila. Fred wants music in his bar, and I want musicians and some direction. Maybe just maybe we have a synergy, I like him, he´s a good guy and that´s a great start.
And this is the way life works. In Spain I was introduced to a girl in the rooms who had a friend who runs a bar in Chamonix. I played at the bar in Chamonix. The band that played in that bar last year is now the resident bar at Chambre 9. I met the bar manager from Chambre 9 called Orjan who is friends with Fred. Now I am sitting in Fred´s bar and I have a track listing as long as my arm to learn and to come back and play.
So what´s next. Fuck knows. I just know that I am an addict and I want to stay in recovery. I am also a musician and I want to play and write. I am also a Dad. And I am also a lover. Maybe one day I will learn how to love again as it has been some time, and love in sobriety is totally different to going out drinking, chatting up bird and hopefully fucking someone you do not regret to be with in the morning.
And then there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am now feeling better. Jack (my addict) has been resting for a day or two and my mind is now quiet. I know that I will feel the same insecurities again in the coming months, and I am happy to say that my relationships do not seem to suffer as they once did, when I enter into the darkness of my disease. I was told in rehab never to go into my thinking alone as I will alone get mugged, and its so true.
Today I was blessed with some of the best snow I have skied. I was with friends and riding on my board. I did not feel pain, I only felt free. I breathed, and my lungs expanded and my soul grew. Another day in recovery only means that I am closer to finding a solution, finding my true identity, and thank G.O.D. For the opportunity to grow, even if I feel pain along the way.
4 comments:
Don't feel alone or isolated - there's millions of us addicts out there. I went to rehab for different reasons but the discovery is the same - you are not alone.
hey anonymous thanks for your message... the issue with addiction is not the outcome (sex, drugs, booze, rock n roll) the issue is always the same. Its me! Or in your case it is You! And I will feel alone as this is part of recovery. The lonliest time of my life however was when I was in my long term rematioship with the mother of my children. I was also in active. Now when I feel lonely I can accept my lonliness as part of my growth. And I do not feel so lonely when I reach out and I find response like yours.
I love wanking too.
well I think there will not be anyone on this world who does ot like to masturbate, it is just so much better when you do it with someone you care about...
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