Chamonix Chambre 9

I am currently sitting in a venue called Chambre 9 and there is so much coming up for me. I am watching French band crank out some covers to a packed audience of skiers and snowboarders all eager to drink and be merry. This is why I came out here to find an audience and as I am fully aware God never justifies my wishes by giving me what I want, there is always a twist to the tale.

As I sit here I am full of F.E.A.R. And the ultimate feeling is one of not being good enough, not having the balls to complete what I started, and then I look around me and I realise that it is not all about me, believe it or not. I am just a small part of the wheel that turns this wheel of life, its my ego that cries out for attention. The matter of fact is that I need to work feeking hard to get to where I intend to, and its not always going to be pretty.

At the moment the band are cranking out an Eminem tune and the bar is rocking. As you know covers are not my area of expertise so already I am learning. I love the energy in the room, I love the energy I can feel rushing through my body at the moment. There is so much to be grateful for. It is now or never, especially due to the fact that never does not actually exist.

So what is there to Fear, it is only my ego that hurts when life does not go the way I want it to and in fact I have everything I need to prepare me for the journey ahead. I have the present moment. So what is the next step in the evolution of David Patrick Carter? I am not sure. I have some more toilets to scrub and some more floors to scrub and then I have to allow the universe to unravel the master plan in front of me.

Most importantly I need to keep on writing, keep on snow boarding and keep on praying and thanking the fact that I have love in heart and not fear in my soul. Its going to take time to create what I want to create, to find the love that I am looking for. Maybe I just need to stop searching.

I gave my promotional card to Matthias the band leader from the band and asked him to give me a call and that´s a great step forward. Rumour has it that they have interest from a French Producer however they don´t have the songs, and I am a song writer. Plus I am a songwriter looking for a band, a singer looking for a sound. The thing is, at this stage I just need to put as much out into the universe as possible and then see what comes back to me and in which form.

I have also met Fredrick today a drummer from Sweden and he has suggested a gig in his bar in a place called Argentiere, I have never been there however it looks as if I am on my way. I am on my way to creating a sound somewhere between the Van Demon and The Sunset Session, however including the coolness of Morb by One Kitten.

And as I sit here I feel alone. I want to have love in my life. I want to hold a hand and to know that I am safe. I want the comfort of the womb and the love of a parent. There are times when I fall asleep that all I want to do is to make love to someone and have them hold me until I fall asleep. And then I know that all of that will come with time, when I am ready, when I can give more than I can take, when life is more about the experience than security.

I don´t want to be scared any more. I do not want to feel the limitations that stop me from truly expressing how I feel and why I want to cry. I want to express my freedom before I leave the vessel I am responsible for. Then it is easy to recognise where I have gone wrong in my life. All I need to do is to have faith and to recognise that gratitude is key to existence. Wow what a life! You know I have friends who have gone back out there and started to use again, they are experimenting with their lives. And that´s cool dude its just not my bag.

Here I am, I am alive, I have choice I have two amazing children, I now have the ability to love people if I choose to, I can laugh, I can write, I sing, I can feel my pain and accept that with pain comes growth.

Fuck. Maybe there is a God after all. Fuck maybe I have God within me. Maybe by accepting my powerless over situations, people, and myself, I have finally found an answer that can sustain me. Maybe just maybe.