9 Oct 2008

My Birthday and I will cry if I want to...


This picture was taken of me in 2006 and I was in active addiction, cocaine, any upper, alcohol and as much sex as I could afford at the time. I either paid for sex directly or bought the drugs, I was a shell of human being and I hit my rock bottom in May 2007. Thankfully I made it through a rehabilitation program and I am currently rebuilding my life.

The point of this story is that last night I played a gig at a very intimate venue in a small Spanish town called Alhaurin el Grande, I invited the friends I have met along the way. Some of the guys I knew before recovery and some since I made the choice to change the destination of my soul. I have to say that I did not enjoy the gig and I did not enjoy the atmosphere in the venue as a % of the guys who came along were snorting cocaine in the toilets and then spoke all the way through the gig. Which would be ok in a rock venue, however in a very small intimate club like Bar Zeppellin the selfish minority dominated proceedings and not only ruined any vibe for the people who had driven up to an hour from Estapona to listen to the music but also for me, and it was my fucking birthday.

To be honest with you I thought it was fucking rude.

Whats the point? Why come? The group were not there to celebrate my birthday, the group was simply there to take more drugs and to have a natter. The ironic thing is, they are my friends and I wanted them to be there... however the truth is I just don´t enjoy the company of people who put drug use infront of freindship and intimacy... There are some of that crowd that I really do care for... and I worry about... however I am powerless over what other people do however not powerless over what I do and who I choose to have in my life, and who I choose to spend time with.

I came to share my music and I walked away feeling empty and drained. Thats my shit no one else´s and I need to own it. Now thats recovery. The truth is I put drugs infront of everything before I went into recovery. including my two children and their mother, I was in a shocking state of denial and surrounded myself with so called friends who enabled and normalised my behaviour. However the truth of the matter is always hard to face and the cards came tumbling down infront of me before my very own eyes and I found myself in prison, hospital then Rehab, trying to find out who the fuck I was.

That was always the problem, I had no sense of identitly and it is only now at the age of 36 after 16 months of rehabilitation that I really am getting to know who I am becuase NOW I don´t need any shit in my body to make me feel better, I am happy to be me, just for toady and to deal with the consequences of my actions in a mature fashion.

Don´t get me wrong I am still reprogramming myself to believe that I am a worth while person, I am still working on the issues suck as relationships. I am scared to have a girlfriend, I have fear about work, I struggle to get up in the morning, however I can now face these challenges and even if I fail I am proud to say I gave it a go.

This picture was taken earlier this year in South Africa. OK so I have got a tan and I am fine looking young man, I have also got a smile on my face yet the miracle is this. Just by the skin of my teeth I am fucking alive.

I had some amazing experiences yesterday. One my greatest friends William stood by as he always does and showed me love and affection that in active addiction I would not have been able to accept. Lousie travelled like Jamie and his wife for nearly an hour to come up and wish me happy birthday. Julie came out, the greatest aviator of all time Slim made the effort and everyone who was in that room last night I can say I either love or care deeply about.

I just wish I had not invited Cocaine, I will know better next time.

Finally, Paz called me. Paz is the mother of my two children Jacob and Eloise, the three of them sang happy birthday to me. I cried. It was the first time I had heard Paz say happy birthday to me in 5 years, and there is no greater gift than when town humans make peace and heal.

If you fel that you may have an adiction problem then read below, if you answer the question yes then you have the opportunity to change the way you live your life, and teh way you experience your life, miralces happen in recovery:

Am I an Addict?

Only you can answer this question.

This may not be an easy thing to do. All through our usage, we told ourselves, “I can handle it.” Even if this was true in the beginning, it is not so now. The drugs handled us. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a person whose life is controlled by drugs.

Perhaps you admit you have a problem with drugs, but you don’t consider yourself an addict. All of us have preconceived ideas about what an addict is. There is nothing shameful about being an addict once you begin to take positive action. If you can identify with our problems, you may be able to identify with our solution. The following questions were written by recovering addicts in Narcotics Anonymous. If you have doubts about whether or not you’re an addict, take a few moments to read the questions below and answer them as honestly as you can.

  1. Do you ever use alone? [Yes] [
  2. No]
  3. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that one particular drug was the problem? [Yes
  4. ] [ No]
  5. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor to obtain prescription drugs? [Yes
  6. ] [ No]
  7. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? [Yes
  8. ] [ No]
  9. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed?
    [Yes
  10. ] [ No]
  11. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? [Yes
  12. ] [ No]
  13. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? [Yes
  14. ] [ No]
  15. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was or what it would do to you? [Yes
  16. ] [ No]
  17. Has your job or school performance ever suffered from the effects of your drug use? [Yes
  18. ] [ No]
  19. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? [Yes
  20. ] [ No]
  21. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? [Yes
  22. ] [ No]
  23. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of your financial responsibilities? [Yes
  24. ] [ No]
  25. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? [Yes
  26. ] [ No]
  27. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? [Yes
  28. ] [ No]
  29. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? [Yes
  30. ] [ No]
  31. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? [Yes
  32. ] [ No]
  33. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? [Yes
  34. ] [ No]
  35. Do you ever question your own sanity? [Yes
  36. ] [ No]
  37. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? [Yes
  38. ] [ No]
  39. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time without drugs? [Yes
  40. ] [ No]
  41. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? [Yes
  42. ] [ No]
  43. Do you think a lot about drugs? [Yes
  44. ] [ No]
  45. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? [Yes
  46. ] [ No]
  47. Has using affected your sexual relationships? [Yes
  48. ] [ No]
  49. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? [Yes
  50. ] [ No]
  51. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? [Yes
  52. ] [ No]
  53. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? [Yes
  54. ] [ No]
  55. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? [Yes
  56. ] [ No]
  57. Do you think you might have a drug problem? [Yes
  58. ] [ No]

“Am I an addict?” This is a question only you can answer. We found that we all answered different numbers of these questions “Yes.” The actual number of “Yes” responses wasn’t as important as how we felt inside and how addiction had affected our lives.

Some of these questions don’t even mention drugs. This is because addiction is an insidious disease that affects all areas of our liveseven those areas which seem at first to have little to do with drugs. The different drugs we used were not as important as why we used them and what they did to us.

When we first read these questions, it was frightening for us to think we might be addicts. Some of us tried to dismiss these thoughts by saying:

“Oh, those questions don’t make sense;”

Or,

“I’m different. I know I take drugs, but I’m not an addict. I have real emotional/family/job problems;”

Or,

“I’m just having a tough time getting it together right now;”

Or,

“I’ll be able to stop when I find the right person/get the right job, etc.”

If you are an addict, you must first admit that you have a problem with drugs before any progress can be made toward recovery. These questions, when honestly approached, may help to show you how using drugs has made your life unmanageable. Addiction is a disease which, without recovery, ends in jails, institutions, and death. Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous because drugs had stopped doing what we needed them to do. Addiction takes our pride, self-esteem, family, loved ones, and even our desire to live. If you have not reached this point in your addiction, you don’t have to. We have found that our own private hell was within us. If you want help, you can find it in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

“We were searching for an answer when we reached out and found Narcotics Anonymous. We came to our first NA meeting in defeat and didn’t know what to expect. After sitting in a meeting, or several meetings, we began to feel that people cared and were willing to help. Although our minds told us we would never make it, the people in the fellowship gave us hope by insisting that we could recover. Surrounded by fellow addicts, we realized that we were not alone anymore. Recovery is what happens in our meetings. Our lives are at stake. We found that by putting recovery first, the program works. We faced three disturbing realizations:

  1. We are powerless over addiction and our lives are unmanageable;
  2. Although we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our recovery;
  3. We can no longer blame people, places, and things for our addiction. We must face our problems and our feelings.

"The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering addict."1


www.na.org

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Of course you can cry when you want to, but also even though you "had" a problem, you also shouldn´t judge others what they do, or call it rude if they do, what you used to do.

In life we all discover our mistakes, still it doesn´t make you a judge to say it is wrong. That is up to the people that do so. I almost cried reading what you wrote and to be honest David, I think its rude what you said, cause those friends, did come to be with you on your birthday and even though some might have taken drugs or used alcohol (a normal thing btw in a bar, alcohol)they came because of you, nothing more, nothing less. I was more irritated that night by a bunch of spanish people standing at the bar, talking real load that I sometimes could hardly hear your music. Is it in general not aloud to talk when your playing??

No, I think you should try and understand, people are people, some do this, other do that, but to judge them on what they are using, is totally up to them, not to you. And beside what you might say about no atmosfere, I think it was there. Was it because I was using drugs or had a few drinks no it was because I simply like you and your music and I certainly dont judge you about what you do or did.

I hope you can understand what I am trying to say, friends are friends that will be there, when you ask them to, to support you or have fun with you or even cry with you.

If they use drugs that is their "problem, if they use "alcohol" that is still their problem. Just as YOU have your problem. Don´t use your excuse on others. Thank you.

A friend. xx

Unknown said...

Well you are entitled to your opinion Just as I am entitled to mine, however I find it very difficult to have relationships with anyone when I am on drugs, and I know in my heart that I do not want to be surrounded by drugs, and I especialy do not want drugs to surround my chidlren. Addiction kills, I know because it almost killed me, I know becausde addiction has kiiled four friends of mine from Rehab... I must admit if you are upset then that is your shit man, just like my dis-EASE is mine... I am not being rude I am just expressing my feelings, someone told me don´t save my feelings save my life... and I am just being honest about the way I se things... as I believe I have a clearer picture of life than ever before. I may lose some friends over this blog however you never know someone might just see the light and break out of the mould. And if the group there were interested in the music then I did request some form of quiet at least two times and then just gave up as I saw the coke trials in and outn of the toliets... this has got nothing to do with me, I just OPT out thats all... to quote Train Spotting "Choose Life!"

And on an artistic level I would rather not perform at all than perform to 30 people who have no interest in the music... I work hard to deliver the content... and will need to choose carefully how and when to to whom I perform to next time round as it is experiences like last night that really make me want to hang up my guitar and take up brick laying. Sorry I am just being honest, I thrive off intimacy and being close to human beings, understanding people and giving love to all who come into my life, however expectations are premeditated resentments, and this is not about having resentments this is simply about choice, and I choose Life!

Anonymous said...

We all have our own shit, but I am the last to judge someone about what they do. That is the whole point. Sorry if you didn´t get that.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, David, for another great night! We really enjoyed your music again.
When we got home I said that it was a shame many people have not paid attention to what you were playing and in my eyes haven't appreciated your performance. Unfortunately I was distracted myself at some point and that made me sad.
See you soon!!!!!!!!!

Unknown said...

Dear Anonymous, I woudl just like to re-iterate... I am not judging anyone... I am just saying that Cocaine is not for ME! That´s it! Life love, my work and my family are the most importnat aspects of my life as I deal with the challenges of every day living and forging a carear in a touch market place. Thanks for coming last night and thanks for enjoying the music... I really appreciate it.

CowboyHolandes said...

H - JUST READING YOUR BLOG, WHAT HAPPENED AND WHO ???

H - Ended reading the blog, and I too cried, for you and with you.

H - Also these experiences are necessary, both positive and negative, because without the negative the positive are everytime harder to be discovered, as I also know by experience.

D - someone has replied to my blog

D - I think you should not write you feeling to me hans I would like you to publsih your feelings on the blog

H - Will do, message taken. The nice thing is that the Chat-history is on, so can be copied.

H - I am very pleased for you that Paz, Jacob and Eloise where there with you, be it "only" in their hearts and not in person.


Above is part of the Chat I had with David at the time of him publishing the Blog.
I have now read the -Anonymous- commenter.

I am not an ex- nor current drug (ab)user, well except for the fact that I, at this moment have two packages of rolling tobaco at my side, and they are going to be empty very fast.

I am very pleased to be able to call David my friend.

Of course cafes are known for their alcohol, for which they have a license and, for all of us who smoke, yes you may also smoke in the Zeppelin (as in most Andalusian bars). Happy days.

But any illegal drug use is prohibited by law, BUT
what I find more important, anyone who calls himself a friend of David's, using hard-drugs (or even soft-drugs) except from normal use (and not ABUSE) of alcohol and cigarettes, should reconsider this privilege of being his friend.

Hans

Anonymous said...

I always enjoy your music and your company. Besides being a good friend, I truly believe you are a great artist. Keep up the good work. xx

Unknown said...

I personally think this is a veyr good topic which need to be addressed and I would suggest that if you would like to follow the thread of the blog then you should sign up to get the updates, and whilst your at it you can go and buy some good damm tunes from the website www.davidpatrickcarter.com or you can call me an ungrateful shit bag if you like, I don´t care, you only say it because its true.
David.

Anonymous said...

I am not a person to place tags on people. Indeed this blog is good and its good to hear also to what others got to say about it.
The fact of the matter is however, I or we like your music, no matter what we do or don´t do. And isn´t it not all about the music and NOT what you did or some do??? tc

Unknown said...

I personally think this is a veyr good topic which need to be addressed and I would suggest that if you would like to follow the thread of the blog then you should sign up to get the updates, and whilst your at it you can go and buy some good damm tunes from the website www.davidpatrickcarter.com or you can call me an ungrateful shit bag if you like, I don´t care, you only say it because its true.
David.

CowboyHolandes said...

Just come back from the shower, where the only word, that I hadn't used before, came into my mind.

DISRESPECTFULL

Reading the latest commments I think it fits perfectly in there.

Hans

Anonymous said...

DISRESPECTFULL ??? Listen, if David has a blog, where he writes about his feelings and allows Comments, then those comments also needs to be there. What is the point of having comments then??

Nothing to do with Disrespectfull. We all have our opinion and I do believe its our right, to share your opinion, especially when a site allows this.

I think its disrespectful to talk disrespectful about comment made here.

Anyway, have a nice day, I´ve had enough of this now. I like to end this by saying; Thanks David for the great songs you make.

CowboyHolandes said...

Disrespectfull was not linked to the various comments but to the behaviour at David's Birthday Bash.

Hans

Anonymous said...

To be honest I went there and I took cocainee and I had a great night and I do not give a fig about what anyone else says about it... The music was too quiet anyway and I could not really hear what the artsit was doing anyway... did not really notcie the Spaniards as I was having too much fun...

Anonymous said...

"...as I was having too much fun..." Wow, hey, I don´t think it was alloud to have fun. Still glad you did, as I did also....have Fun. Guess that is basically number 1 rule when people go out..to have fun..no matter what they do, as long as its all about fun. Glad I am not alone in this matter. tc

Anonymous said...

Must having fun always include consuming drugs?????????????????????????????

Anonymous said...

No of course not, you can have fun without drugs, I wonder though if that would have been alloud, cause again, there still would have been to much noise. ;-) Its just the fact what if there was NO drugs, but still people would have had fun there. Would it then all have been ok???? Its a bar, people go out and enjoy themselve, they talk, listen en laugh. Its not a concert. Its a bar!

Anonymous said...

I must say that I really would prefer not to get involved with this topic as it has nothing to me with me, however I feel obliged to do so...

I can see both sides of the discussion... If someone wants to go out and have a good time and that includes taking drugs then cool... however there is a time and a place for these sort of things...

Drug taking becomes a problem when the intake becomes more than recreational and I would say that a weds night , a school night is pretty high up in the NOT TO TAK E DRUGS league of things to do during the week.


I mean I travelled quite a long way to hear Dave play, and I am a big fan of this strange guy from across the seas. However myself and my wife felt rather uncomfortable in the club.

And i gues all Dave is saying is that it is not enjoyable for him either whioch is a shame because if you really lisetn to the lyrics of his tracks (which was hard last night due to the constant chatter at the back) then it is clear that he has experiecned something very magical and is passing on hope to others.

End of my thoughts.
Regards.

Anonymous said...

Surley it was allowed to have fun, however, I think showing respect and appreciation for an artist performing on stage, even in a bar, is not too much to ask for and won't stop anyone enjoying themselves! We all knew it wasn't going to be an average birthday party. If that's what you expected, then maybe you were in the wrong place.

Anonymous said...

i agree with the comment above... this guy rocks and even when he has a bad time I still have a good time, the music is just ace... let the good times roll baby.

Anonymous said...

it was a good night , but i have come to realise drugs are every where man , at least you can get up and write a blog, some of those dudes will of had the heavy pounding drummer in the head, the blocked bloody nose, the desire to duvet dive, the only cure another line or another drink ,some will have come to on their knees talking to GOD on the big white telephone heads resting on the rim.
Where as you and I got up, saw the sun rise and went out and had another joyfull 24 , keep writeing those songs

Anonymous said...

Hello David,
The strangest thing, i must say. When i saw you the very first time in SA, there was some king of connection there and it makes me sad to read that you did not have a good birthday. At least you have strenght and that says a lot about who you really are.
I so dearly love your music and lyrics, and see that you love most of the artists that I adore!
Keep the words flowing! Even though belated, i wish you the happiest of years to come.
L

Anonymous said...

I've known David for a very many years but I wasn't at the gig and so don't feel able to put forward too much of an opinion on this but I'd like to add a few words. I was very sad to read he didn't have a good birthday or enjoy playing when I know how much his music means to him and how fantstic it is to hear. I don't feel in a position to say what is right or wrong with what people do with their lives and I can understand in some ways why some people reacted negatively to Davids early comments in the blog, but I also think that as Davids friends, knowing the battle he's been through in these past few years and knowing where he is now, if I was going to go to his birthday party I would have had more respect than to partake in drugs and not to listen to him play. I know it was a bar and not a concert and people are free to do what they wish and have fun, but if you had been invited by David for his birthday to see him and hear his music then that should have been more important if you're a good friend. You can do drugs any other time, any other place if that's what you want to do with your life, although reading on through the blog maybe a few words rang out to some people and you never know, they might help save someones life and get them out of that strangle hold that drugs can have when abused wrongly.

Unknown said...

why is everyone leaving messages on this topic anonymously? Gives the whole thing a little bit of mystery I guess...

I would like to add to this blog that I am powerless over other people and what they do and the ony person I have any power over is myself...

my question is this?

what role did I play in the evening?

well I had great expectations of the evening, and expectations aare premeditated resentment, plus I have trouble controlling myu ego, and my ego always leads me top feeling pain...

my ego told me that peopl e were not listening and I was not getting enough attention... therefore the toys were thrown from the pram...

take my ego out of the equation and I had some of my closet friends here in spain together in one place all having a good time and I was playing the guitar,, that is heaven if you ask me...

its just a lesson in humility... the one spiritual principle that is constant throughout all 12 stesp of recovery...

I nmeed to use my tools more often...

Anonymous said...

That's better :)

Hope to see you soon.

x Nathalie

Anonymous said...

and by the way: I LOVE YOUR MUSIC!!!!! You have a gift.

Anonymous said...

"take my ego out of the equation and I had some of my closet friends here in spain together in one place all having a good time and I was playing the guitar,, that is heaven if you ask me..."

That is it David, to win a battle by yourself might always be handy when you know you´ve got friends around, friends that respect you and even love you.

That same, respect and love, is also what your friends want.

I am glad you see that now my friend.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to start off by saying I am not hiding behind anonymous...Lorraine here loud and proud and if you had returned my calls today I would have been able to speak to you personally instead you seem to be hiding behind this blog....I did want to apologise to you for making you upset on your bday...it's horrible that you felt like that on your special day and that you left the bar feeling empty...no one deserves that...we are truely sorry we spolit your bday. No one set out to do that. I'd say almost everyone there talked while you were playing (not just the condemned drug takers)so I guess that makes us all 'bad' friends. The few that were popping to the toilets, well, that's their business and not for you or anyone to judge but my point is that these so called 'bad' friends were the same people who gave you somewhere to stay when you needed it, looked after your children while you went to your AA meetings, tried to progress your music career i.e websites, videos, contacts by way of supporting you and most importantly, like all good friends, listened to you when you needed to talk....so my question is why are we being slagged off like this...I know you were upset but to blog the whole thing !!!! and then we have the people who were not even there adding their comments and the people who do not even know us are left thinking we are down and out drug addicts with no respect for friendship. This is simply not true and we have proved that to you in more ways that one during the time we have known you. Your 'bad' friends also travelled to see you, organised (and some paid for) babysitters. Most of us never go out mid week but it was a special occassion for you and so we made that effort FOR YOU, our friend. Our biggest crime was that we talked when we shouldn't have but most of us don't get out much without our children and as you well know (having looked after your kids all summer) we all need a break sometimes. Unfortunately for us we got carried away with that and didn't give you our full attention for once...and now WE are left feeling empty.

Could you please ask William to remove any pictures of me from facebook. His comment is bang out of order and is making me very angry.

...and finally did you know it was one of your 'bad' friend's bday today....

Unknown said...

I would like to say that I do not think anyone is bad, and I am not judging anyone... I am still in very early recovery and I can go back into active very easily which will only lead me to jails institutions or death..!

And I opt out! I opt out of drugs etc... thats all!

I spoke to a good friend of mine in the fellowship. He has 12 years sobriety and he said,"When I first got sober I could not step into a pub, then I found stepping into a pub was not so difficult. At one point I had to step away from certain relationships in my life and then when I went back to those relationships in latter recovery I realised that they did not have a problem it was only me and it has only been me who has ever had a problem. The I started loving the relatiosnhips I once had thought were too difficult for me to deal with me, as I love these people just as much as those in recovery."

These are wise words... this too shall pass... however just for today I opt out... and thats ok! Its not bad and its not nasty and I do not resent anyone, in fact the poeple I have met and who are in my life are the most amazing people... and for that I am blessed to have you all in my life. I am enriched by your love and your kindness and I am willing to say that with all of you on some things I disagree and thats ok as well.

I believe some of the things I hear, and I don't her all of the things I believe. I agree and I have the presence of mind to disagree when I feel it is appropriate. And on that note I am if anyone wants to ask me anything about addiction then they are more than welcome to do so as it is an interesting topic.

Anonymous said...

Shocked and stunned is all I can say after reading this blog! David I understand your in recovery but that doesn't mean you should preach to everyone else. Each to their own as they say. Unfortunately wherever you play you will encounter people taking drugs and I'm afraid to say it is something that you will have to deal with being a musician. You have some very good friends in Spain, and for them to all make the effort to come and support you, you should be pleased not angry. It's OK to feel disapointed if people were speaking whilst you were singing (which is not unusual at gigs) what's not OK is to judge your friends then write about it on a blog for the world to read. I hope you don't take my comments the wrong way but I take offense at my friends being labeled in this way!

Nicky (London)

Anonymous said...

Awright David,

I agree with you that it is impertenance of the highest order to be chatting over a solo artist performing in a small intimate venue, however shit happens and will continue to happen everywhere you go.

Perhaps you should check out my old dear friend Murray Lachlan Young's poem on youtube "Simply Everyones Taking Cocaine" to help prepare you for your gigs in London where as you well know some punters, A&Rs etc will be queing up for the toilets instead of giving you their undivided attention. No doubt I'll be in the queue at some point when i come to support you, (as Lorraine mentioned having kids means you try and have as much fun when you do get the chance to go out!)

I look forward to seeing you in the Bodecea (where I warn you the locals are bang on it) and hope you keep your personal battles personal and let the music do the talking.

Stay cool maan!!

Scottish Paul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EZJUS72CWQ

Unknown said...

hose I have offended with my birthday blog,

I am a recovering Addict, there is nothing than I would rather do on my birthday than drink 7 pints of beer, snort two grams of cocaine, and get laid. However duee to the fact that this kind of behaviour left me standing with a gun in my mouth I thought it was about time I changed my behaviouur.

I expected the gang to be upset with my blog, and I also understand the position from normal people in society who are not addicts and do not suffer from the disease that I do. I also believe it is important to highlight certain behaviours especially when I care about people otherwise I would not be a rtue frined I would simply be saying Yes when the truth I was I felt the answer to be No.

I have never mentioned anyones name as I had no idea who was taking cocaine on the night, I just knew because of the atmosphere I could sense cocaine was the major contributor to the evening. This upset me as I would have thoguth that the people who were there could have a refrained from taking cocaine for this particular night as they knew I was in recovery, therefore other people would have been there who were also in recovery.

I never say anything to anyone about drugs and alcohol unless I am asked to do so by an individual, each to their own, however I invited differenet groups to my birthday party and it did work out. And thats the end of it. I am sorry that some poeple are upset that I have written about my feelings in a blog, well thats what a good blog is all about, taking a risk and expresing one´s feelings.

I am not labelling anyone with anything, I don´t need to. The only thing I have to concentrate on is Me, as I am tehe only person I have any power over. I know that each day I learn something new and I change. I am not scared of changing anymore, and I not scared of challenging myself and taking my own inventory.

There are many things that I got wrong on the day of my birthday and after my birthday. And I will learn from my mistakes, however right now I have to put my recovery first and everything else second, what ever I put in front of my recovery I will lose.

As i have stated in previous replies on this topic, I do not judge anyone, I choose however at this stage of my life to OPT OUT! to put my recovery and my children first, for the first time in my life, and if that means that in teh short term I walk away from angry energy then so be it. Its ok, the key to my life now adays is acceptance.

I spoke to Paz yesterday and she told me that the shildren have a father, and if I do leave Spain for another 6 months whichis very likely then she would prefer that than what she had before, and it was better for Jacob and Eloise.

I am just doing what I beleive to be the next right thing, that does not mean this willl be the next right thing for everybody. My people pleasing days are over.

Unknown said...

by the way I also welcome the critiscm I am recieving via the blog as it helps mke to grow as a human being... only my ego sees critiscm as a perrsonaƱl attack however my true self recognises that each person has their point of view mwhich is completely aligned and therefore corect with thier way of living...

So thanks for the opportunity to learn about myself.

Anonymous said...

Just a note, which makes this Post and maybe the comments a bit more funny, is the fact that I know how much Cocaine was used in that bar, where about 30 people were and the amount of cocaine that was used there was 1 gram. lol. I think that if you walk down any main street in a big city, more cocaine is used while passing people then there was used in that bar, that night. So all in all, I think it was a bit over react this whole issue, where still people got hurt or upset. Ok, now I got to go, get on that main street and ........

Anonymous said...

why would anyone going to a birthday party of a recovering drug addict insist on having cocaine, I just don´t get it? Whats important here the person who has invited everyone to his party or the drug? Where´s the focus? So does it matter if there is 1 gram of cocaine or 1o grams of cocaine? how many grams of cocaine have been taken over the summer, at the bar? on the street. in andalucia? So I do not really get your point above, as this was a night to say happy borthday to someone in reocveyr so the nice thing would have been to refrained from taking the drug. Thats what I think anyway.

CowboyHolandes said...

I have, of course, followed all the nice comments, on the comments, on the comments . . . . .

I am sure that all persons (David, commenters and readers-only) have learnt various, very valuable, lessons, for their personal future.

Have a nice future all.

Hans

Anonymous said...

I must say, I do sometimes use, both alcohol and drugs. Does that make me a bad person, or does it make me a bad person that I come to a bar, where David is playing and where other friends are and I drink or use drugs? Does is make David a bad person for not having any alcohol or drugs?

Basically I dont give a fuck, what people do, as long they dont hurt others, and simply enjoy themselve. I did and still do loads of things for David, I see him as a real good friend, I dont care that he doesn´t drink or use drugs cause that is his choice, just as it is my choice to do differently.

David is NOT a sad person, not at all, he is a honest and nice person, I don´t see him as someone that has or had a problem, I see him as a person, just like you and me.

Maybe its just me, but I think that this almost started to look like some sort of "sad, poor david" post, when everyone is forgetting that it is HIS choice and we all respect that, it doesn´t make him a bad person, nor should it be for those that do live differently then he does.
We never ask him to use some!! Its his life, don´t make a example out of him, although he is a great guy, he also has his mistakes, just as we all have.

Nobody is perfect.