I have a story to tell and over the coming months I am sure you will come to understand that the path I have walked and made my own is pretty horrific and very sad. However like all great romantic novels mine has a happy ending, and it is full of reconciliation and love. The photograph above was taken by a very close friend of mine called Maxim Nivlov. He is an incredible artist and photographer, to such an extent that I dare not put a label on his creativity. He took this picture in 2007 and when I look back at the pic it tells its own tale.I was performing weekly in Picaddilly at The Warwick, and my life was jumping between pint and water, drug and healthy eating, and friendships and hookers. I was lost in the dream that I was creating for myself and my life was based on fantasy. I had written and composed a show which included strings and brass and I was fucking proud of my work. However after working hard for one year to build the sound and the band everything started crumbling before my very own eyes, as the relationships that I had built with individuals in the process dismantled almost effortlessly.
Relationships had always been my problem in life. I was great at making freinds, however I could never sustain the freindship, the intamacy was too greater risk for me to dare open up and show my vunerability to someone new or to someone old. This led me to push others away so I could retain my isolation, "the fear will keep us safe". I spent my money and time finding solace with prostitutes who I could pay to love me if only for 15 mins at a time. I was safe with the knowledge that with money came security, and with security came choice, so I thought. It was all a mess, and so was I.
I love this picture and I love the man who took the photo, he is one fucked up Russian, genuis! More to the point I am so glad I am not trawling the streets for affirmation anymore, although I do find the internet to be a very high risk area in my life which easily drags me back into the sick thinking of my past. Sex is a gateway to intimacy, and I suffer from an intimacy disorder, and I use sex as a security blanket. I can honestly tell you that all I want is to be loved, and with that love my heart will grow, as I learn to love myself and others along the journey.
My children are the greatest teachers, and they inspire me to write more music even when I am struggling to keep up with my mortgage payments and to keep them in school books. This too shall pass and my finanicial worries will get better. The hardship I am feeling at the moment is a lesson for me, teaching me how to respect money and how to enojoy the present moment and the paths that are openening up for me. Just like my new adventures in France, I can´t wait. If you are not aware I am going to be spending the ski season in Chamonix, working for a ski company called Snow Coach, snow boarding and playing music for the guests.
I have decided to start to learn French as I believe it is rude to go to someone else´s country and not to make an effort to learn the language, and French is such a great language. Since coming into Recovery my life has changed so much and I need to be grateful for what the universe is providing me at this time.
As the song goes "Fruitcake You´re a Star, shinning brighter than you were before".
I also like to thank my good friend Marco, for creating all these videos (all to be watched on Youtube) and building my amazing website. (http://www.davidpatrickcarter.com/)
Couldn´t have done it without you. You are a Star! ;-)
8 comments:
For me, only having seen the difference in you since beginning of July 2008 until now, I would say the path you are following now, is showing you all the good sides life has to offer.
Of course, looking around (in real life or Internet) will always show temptations of whatever kind.
I am convinced that, having seen / lived these negative parts of life, and come away of them, you are more then able to see, recognize and resist these now.
With the opcoming trip to London, it would be strange if you not felt insecure about how things will go there, but as you will be looking at the same temptations as 1,5 year ago, BUT with new vision, I expect it will even be a very positive experience.
Hans
Thanks Hans for the message I agree with you my development over the last 6 months has been incredible, a miracle... God only knows what the next 6 will bring...
I would also like to add that this guy Marco is an impersonator, and I have done all the work on website and I even recorded my own videos, design my own flyers and worte my all my own songs...
This Marco gezza is just wome lay about Dutchman who has got one major chip on HER sholders.
Latters
I also have seen a change in David and to me personally not totally in a positive way. Maybe its his way of dealing with things, but the David I knew, isn´t the David I met a few months ago. The David I met a few months ago, was always there, hardly asked a thing and never ever complant. While the David I know now, only comes round when he needs something and never hardly to be social, there is always a catch. Maybe there is no reason to it, since all that he wanted is there, maybe its me, hell I don´t know, its just that Ive seen a change and I am still not sure if its a positive or negative change. I guess time will tell. And I truly hope that at his Gigs in London, there won´t be to many people rushing in the toilet, or talk to loud, but then again, that will be fun to read here.
Anyway, all the best. You deserve it.
Marco dude you are having a bad day pal...
David, I am not, I am just telling how I see things, just as you tell your things. Its just my observation in a change in you, nothing to do with me having an off day or not.
well mate to be honest you are so up and down its very difficult to have a consistent relationship with you, which is a real shame. As you know I tend to stay out of the way of anyone who is either coming up or coming down... you know if I opt out of that way of life then I do so with a heavy heart however it is necessary to keep in the path that I know will bring me and my children happiness... however I agree you are welcome to your point of view... and you right to have you views... you know you are a very good friend of mine Marco and hope you make it to the Alps as we will have a lot of fun... bring on the snow boarding!!!!!
LOL, David, I am up and down because my teeth hurts, I am or better said WAS in short of money, but the only reason I am down is because my freaking mouth hurts, which only happened about 10 days ago and will be finished in 2 days, so your reason of not coming round, is because of bad vibes??? I have a pain in my fucking mouth and that causes you to not come round as often?? Sorry David, I think its bullshit. But nevermind, I just had to say what I had so say. No heard feelings, cause you will also be a friend of mine, its just that I thought friendship is more then asking and complaining, thats all m8. I rest my case ;-)
Hey David!!
I don't know if I will see you before you leave but if I don't , I wish you the best of luck with everything you do in the coming months.
I read your blog and it's always nice to read and to identify and know I am not ALONE, WE are not alone.
We are all on a journey, that will only get better, as more will be revealed, a day at a time.
Lots of Love
Nat
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